I am happy to report that I have survived one of the most perilous surgical procedures a human being can go through – wisdom teeth removal.
From what I heard, the procedure is no problem at all (especially for the patient, who is usually unconscious). However, the recovery, I was told, is a bitch. People reported experiences ranging from ” It was no big deal…” to “I attempted suicide multiple times.”
Based on my research, I knew they would knock me out with IV Valium, do the procedure, and then I would go home and munch on Percocet for a week. Everything would be fine, albeit uncomfortable, as long as I followed the rules. They were:
- No eating solid foods for 3 days
- No drinking from a straw
- No sneezing with a closed mouth (“Everyone duck!”)
- No spitting
- Gargle with salt water 5 times a day
- No carbonated liquids for 2 days
and last, but certainly not least…
- No smoking (ahhh, shit!) for many, many, many days (4 days)
Needless to say, I was not looking forward to the experience that lay before me. Having said that, it really was not so bad. When I got into the operating room the first thing they did was strap a mask to me that pumped some sort of gas into my nostrils which made me happy about pretty much everything. (In case you were wondering, despite my best efforts, I was not able to purchase a to-go canister.)
Then came the Valium, which was amazing. Good Lord, if that stuff had been more readily available the Cold War wouldn’t have happened. I was about to have a person whom I had not met more than an hour before render me unconscious and slice my gums open and I was joking and giggling as if that chair was some sort of carnival ride. I believe my last words to my surgeon before he administered the coup de’ grace injection of Valium was, “Have I told you that you’re super cute?”
Besides my attempt to light a cigarette just after waking from surgery, everything afterwards went fairly smoothly. I followed the rules as best I could…I even almost made it the full four days without smoking! I was very proud of myself (don’t judge me).