Four Teeth Less the Wiser

I am happy to report that I have survived one of the most perilous surgical procedures a human being can go through – wisdom teeth removal.

From what I heard, the procedure is no problem at all (especially for the patient, who is usually unconscious). However, the recovery, I was told, is a bitch.  People reported experiences ranging from ” It was no big deal…” to “I attempted suicide multiple times.”

Based on my research, I knew they would knock me out with IV Valium, do the procedure, and then I would go home and munch on Percocet for a week.  Everything would be fine, albeit uncomfortable, as long as I followed the rules.  They were:

  • No eating solid foods for 3 days
  • No drinking from a straw
  • No sneezing with a closed mouth (“Everyone duck!”)
  • No spitting
  • Gargle with salt water 5 times a day
  • No carbonated liquids for 2 days

and last, but certainly not least…

  • No smoking (ahhh, shit!) for many, many, many days (4 days)

My 3-day recovery diet: apple juice, apple sauce, soup, pudding, and gelato. I'm that much closer to my goal weight!

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to the experience that lay before me.  Having said that, it really was not so bad.  When I got into the operating room the first thing they did was strap a mask to me that pumped some sort of gas into my nostrils which made me happy about pretty much everything.  (In case you were wondering, despite my best efforts, I was not able to purchase a to-go canister.)

Then came the Valium, which was amazing.  Good Lord, if that stuff had been more readily available the Cold War wouldn’t have happened.  I was about to have a person whom I had not met more than an hour before render me unconscious and slice my gums open and I was joking and giggling as if that chair was some sort of carnival ride.  I believe my last words to my surgeon before he administered the coup de’ grace injection of Valium was, “Have I told you that you’re super cute?”

Besides my attempt to light a cigarette just after waking from surgery, everything afterwards went fairly smoothly.  I followed the rules as best I could…I even almost made it the full four days without smoking!  I was very proud of myself (don’t judge me).